|
| I can't believe it's been so fucking long since I've written in this thing...There's a lot of stuff I could catch up on describing however, I fear that I lack the time for that. I'm at john's and I have to get to bed since I have to be up for my first day of classes this semester. I have to actually go to two of my classes so this is going to be very interesting. I hope things go well..however, the best thing for this would have been getting some good rest beforehand. But, i'm at john's and the boys are watching TV super fucking loud and I know that I"m not going to get much sleep this evening. I haven't gotten to see chris at all today...the little bit of time that I did see him he was too busy doing homework. I can't be mad about that shit however, it does suck. I hope that he will realize that he misses me or something. He seems so distant lately....maybe things have run their course. I fear that sometimes but mainly I just think about it intently a lot. I am ok with whatever happens with us since I have been much better at keeping in mind that I must do what's best for me and he'll do what's best for him. I think this outlook will help us. I just hope that I can focus on myself and also, not push him away at the same time. It's a delicate balance. Hopefully things will turn out alright. More later
 Jen
| | |
| I have no idea what I'm going to do. Today was a disaster. Last night we went over to Martin's because it was his last day to burn some ganj....he had court this morning. We went over there around 11:40pm...chilled, we had a lot of fun...played LIFE...lol. It was great. Til I realized that it was one in the morning and I had to be at work at 7am. We were so fucking blazed too...omg. So, we left Martin's at about 1:45....I couldn't sleep...on top of everything I had a panic attack. I keep feeling like I'm not safe where I am....or that I'm not happy where I am. I don't know what the fuck is wrong. I know there's a lot of changes in my life and a lot of stress from different directions...mainly from me about different things. I don't know what to do about my inability to deal with the stress that I cause for myself. It's all me, in my head all the time. Even in the shower I"m thinking constantly about everything. Because everything has to be perfect, I'm ruining what is perfectly alright. It's like I can't stop from sabotaging myself. I need to change something..I can't seem to relax...I can't sleep because of it...I can't seem to just chill the fuck out. I'm always anxious. I"m starting to drive myself crazy. The places my mind is going scare me. I've been thinking a lot about Zenia...about why the memory of her being so nuts bothers me so much. I was tripping...in my opinion everything that occurs while you're tripping is amplified and embeded into your brain...the way things were then, scared the shit out of me. I don't know why it scares me so much. I think I'm afraid that my mind will do that...at any moment it will turn on me...and I want to say that because I'm not currently on Acid it won't happen...but, that's not true especially for me...I had that episode of psychosis...where I stopped being able to decifer what was reality and what wasn't. Losing grip on actual reality is weird. I don't want that to happen again and so far my biggest fear, since that experience, has been that it will happen again. It usually starts with me not being able to sleep. Then, the anxiety gets worse...which I think happened last night. I live in a constant state of being kind of afraid of myself. I don't know how to make that stop. I am starting to think that I need to see a shrink again. However, I don't think I could trust even a shrink with my most scariest thoughts. I can't even trust myself to say those things outloud...much less tell Chris about it, and he's the closest person to me. I trust him more than anyone else I know. I don't know what to do. I wish this was easier for me to figure out. Something needs to change. I don't know what. But, something has to change. I've never felt so strange. Before, it wasn't like I knew what was happening. Now, I am watching myself lose my mind and I know it's happening. I must stop this. For some reason I am having trouble.
| | |
| We went to Austin....for Divas....it was supposed to be the most awesome show ever. We got there...it was half the size of the stage from Futurefest....it was still really cool..then, we went back to ted's to party. Everything was going great...Zenia smoked the DMT and had a fucking orgasm basically...then, she went into the bathroom..someone said they heard her scream or someting...she walked out of there and said "God is great" and she was pissed off...the look in her eye was scary...it wasn't her anymore...it was someone else. She looked at amber and said, "how could you do this to me, amber, you're supposed to be my friend" and then, started screaming fuck you fuck you...and all this shit...she ran outside screaming that we were the devil and we were going to kill her and poison her...she was knocking on people's windows...she was saying that we were the devil and satan...and that she was going to leave and that she wanted to go to jail so that her parents could find her. She was saying that God is the only one who decides everything and that we were evil. We got her to chill out for a second....she came back...she was so totally herself again for a moment...and then, we got her to walk back with us. We got within 10 feet of the door. She asked Amber if she was going to smoke DMT...amber said she wasn't going to be doing that tonight. Zenia freaked out right then again and decided to run off again...saying that this was a trick...we were trying to trick her and that we were the devil. She started running off...trying to get hit by a car saying she might as well since she might already be dead...and all this shit. it was crazy.....she kicked kiona in the face...punched her a few times...then ted....she ended up being taken away by the cops...she punched a security guard...and then punched a cop and spit on him...then they hauled her away...jacob was there when they cuffed her...they got one cuff on her and she got violent again...and then they took her down into the ground and vuffed her completely...he said she was smiling as they cuffed her. Wtf man...she was totally someone else...someone violent and not the person we know and love. This was a very angry Zenia it was scary. the look in her eyes was insane. It looked like someone else. All she remembers is punching and spitting on a cop and then, waking up in jail strapped to a chair. This weekend was insane. Literally
| | |
| Chris is asleep. I'm watching Californication...I have a strange love for this show. Something about it makes me feel like it's authentic. I love authenticity...however, chris doesn't enjoy this show at all. Strange but whatever. Sometimes I really wish that I could just get in the car and drive...it's night...there's nobody on the road...i'd roll a joint and just take off for a while. Watching Runkle's wife do lines of coke. I totally wouldn't mind some of that on a wild night. I spend so much time thinking about what my life could be like...rather than making it that way. I am ready to fucking do something about my life...I'm going to Austin this weekend. Hoping to have a good time. I think the first night I'm there I'm going to take a little walk...score some weed...and just really enjoy being out and having a wonderful time. more later
Peace n Love
Jen
keep the wild heart strong!
| | |
| Well, I am so confused. Every single day I feel one way...and then, 40 minutes later it's different...I just don't know how to feel anymore. One moment everything seems ok and like it's going to go one way...and then, I find out something new and it's going in a totally new direction....so confused. I wish I could just pick something and stick with it but i'm always afraid to make the wrong decision. so confused
| | |
|
